079: Light In This Darkened World

I knew I was not ready for it. But when the time comes where I am fully prepared, will I get the same "opportunity"?
Or something better will come? Or worse, none at all?

How do people dispel negativity? Am I attracting all the bad energy because of my negativity?

Do I need someone/something to be my light; or should I be the light, in this darkened world?

078: Pleasure & Sorrow

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.

Robert Browning Hamilton
(From 'Have a Little Faith' by Mitch Albom)

077: Time.. Flies!

I will be finishing my current course soon. Exams in 3-4 weeks, followed by a Graduation Project, to be handed in May. I will definately continue with my Advance Dip. Still deciding whether to start immediately (August intake), or take a break and join the November intake. But time flies so fast. I believe many people asked why. Here's my theory:

Many of us keep demanding that the weekends come soon. And not only on Mondays, but on any other weekdays. Imagine the number of people who keep begging for weekends to come soon.

Heard of the term "mind over matters"? It's true. The mind is a powerful force. And how many people are thinking of the same thing (for the weekends to come fast)? Millions. The universe received these signals from their minds, and therefore, made it happen. So stop wishing for the weekends to come, and embrace every single day. (Note: I don't practice what I preach here)

Wait, do you guys understand what I'm trying to say?

076: Tweet

aaronissocool: ah lians are hot...

DaemonChylde: @aaronissocool She is hotter...

aaronissocool: @DaemonChylde other fish in the sea dammit, OTHER FISH IN THE SEA!

DaemonChylde: @aaronissocool I still want that fish. She makes me whole..

aaronissocool: @DaemonChylde stop saying shit like that, i swear to god i'll pop u... now be quiet & quit rockin the boat.

075: Farewell

It's strange how a little argument can lead to the severance of friendship. You said there are other factors that made you think about cutting ties with me, and that argument triggered it. I'm still clueless about the other factors.

Yes, I was being an ass. I was insensitive towards your feelings. But was it THAT bad? I believe your perspective of me have changed now. I know there is a lot of negative feelings about me in your head now, and you will never stop hating me.

Can we start over? How I wish I could go back in time and retract what I've said. But meta-physicians have yet to create time machines, and even if they did, it will be inaccessible to any of us.

I love you, but you will never know (because you don't read my blog). If you read this, you would probably laugh at my.. weakness.

I hope we can be friends again. I miss hanging out with you. I miss chatting with you. I miss listening to your rants about stuffs. I miss seeing/hearing you getting angry at people or situation. I miss everything about you.

I can only hope... Boy, this is hopeless.

074: Detach

First of all, do this Johari Window of me: http://kevan.org/johari?name=Iqbal99 .

Oh, exams over (for now). So I can start on my Dan Brown (The Lost Symbol) and Mitch Albom (Have A Little Faith) now. I think it's best that I start reading them soon, so I can stop thinking about... stuff. It's already definite that I don't qualify for 'entry'. But I'm still.. grieving, and my sorrow is so great, that it disable my ability to draw a line.

My friend said, "I don't want to say this, but: I've told you so. Do you regret now?" I have no answer to that. "Everything happen for a reason, and I hope it will make you stronger, and make a better choice next time".

The problem with me is that I won't settle for anything less. Let's say the thing that I want now is a Lexus. If I don't get it now, then my expectations will be higher. I will only settle for a Ferrari next. "You need to tone down your expectations" she further advised. Fuck, took me years to find it (well, I didn't find it.. It just.. came).

My 40 minutes chat with her was not.. soothing. I was still feeling like shit. Even now. But thank you for being there and trying to give me some comfort.

It would probably be a good idea to detach myself from all forms of communication (just for a few days or a week). My cell is already switched off, and after this post, I will disconnect myself from the byte highway. "Because of *********************? The 'problem' will still be there"

I just need to be alone for awhile. It may not be a gratifying solution, but better than not trying. Right?

I wish I could take sabbatical leaves, and hibernate for a few months at home. No communications, no going out (even to the 7-Eleven), no nothing. Just lying on my bed, read some books and newspaper.

Maybe I will make it happen.

073: Cigarettes & Red Bull: Understanding Human, Race, and Religion. Through Mass Communications?

My brain is still pounding from whatever things that happened for the past few weeks, thus disabling my concentrations on the revisions for tomorrow's exam (or rather, later in the afternoon). If I get a penny for every confusion I've had for the past weeks, hell, I could buy an island! (Okay, that's exaggerating)

I get mixed reactions from the people I know. One was surprised (and she calls me stupid), one was baffled, but supportive.

Maybe I can attribute some psychological explanation to their reactions (why not? I'm supposed to be revising now, and probably this will help me get a better understanding of the subject). The surprised one was having this perception that I won't be foolish enough to be wanting it, and wondered what made me wants it. Her assumptions of the thing was all negative, and she was not supportive, but rather, waiting for the 'demise' of my need (or should I say want?). The supportive one was practicing cognitive dissonance. He probably thought that it was a bad idea, but, he still supported me. (Okay, I don't think this will help me for exams, :-P )

It doesn't matter what they think. I'm certain that I have found what I was looking for. Sadly, I'm also convinced that I won't get it. This is probably a once in a lifetime thing. And now, it seems that I won't be getting it no matter how hard I tried.

Damn, I hate myself now. Why must I be different?