074: Detach

Thursday, January 14, 2010

First of all, do this Johari Window of me: http://kevan.org/johari?name=Iqbal99 .

Oh, exams over (for now). So I can start on my Dan Brown (The Lost Symbol) and Mitch Albom (Have A Little Faith) now. I think it's best that I start reading them soon, so I can stop thinking about... stuff. It's already definite that I don't qualify for 'entry'. But I'm still.. grieving, and my sorrow is so great, that it disable my ability to draw a line.

My friend said, "I don't want to say this, but: I've told you so. Do you regret now?" I have no answer to that. "Everything happen for a reason, and I hope it will make you stronger, and make a better choice next time".

The problem with me is that I won't settle for anything less. Let's say the thing that I want now is a Lexus. If I don't get it now, then my expectations will be higher. I will only settle for a Ferrari next. "You need to tone down your expectations" she further advised. Fuck, took me years to find it (well, I didn't find it.. It just.. came).

My 40 minutes chat with her was not.. soothing. I was still feeling like shit. Even now. But thank you for being there and trying to give me some comfort.

It would probably be a good idea to detach myself from all forms of communication (just for a few days or a week). My cell is already switched off, and after this post, I will disconnect myself from the byte highway. "Because of *********************? The 'problem' will still be there"

I just need to be alone for awhile. It may not be a gratifying solution, but better than not trying. Right?

I wish I could take sabbatical leaves, and hibernate for a few months at home. No communications, no going out (even to the 7-Eleven), no nothing. Just lying on my bed, read some books and newspaper.

Maybe I will make it happen.

073: Cigarettes & Red Bull: Understanding Human, Race, and Religion. Through Mass Communications?

Sunday, January 3, 2010

My brain is still pounding from whatever things that happened for the past few weeks, thus disabling my concentrations on the revisions for tomorrow's exam (or rather, later in the afternoon). If I get a penny for every confusion I've had for the past weeks, hell, I could buy an island! (Okay, that's exaggerating)

I get mixed reactions from the people I know. One was surprised (and she calls me stupid), one was baffled, but supportive.

Maybe I can attribute some psychological explanation to their reactions (why not? I'm supposed to be revising now, and probably this will help me get a better understanding of the subject). The surprised one was having this perception that I won't be foolish enough to be wanting it, and wondered what made me wants it. Her assumptions of the thing was all negative, and she was not supportive, but rather, waiting for the 'demise' of my need (or should I say want?). The supportive one was practicing cognitive dissonance. He probably thought that it was a bad idea, but, he still supported me. (Okay, I don't think this will help me for exams, :-P )

It doesn't matter what they think. I'm certain that I have found what I was looking for. Sadly, I'm also convinced that I won't get it. This is probably a once in a lifetime thing. And now, it seems that I won't be getting it no matter how hard I tried.

Damn, I hate myself now. Why must I be different?