068: Confused State of a Metal/Punk Kid

Sunday, November 29, 2009

"I don't know why. I think I have high ego and low self esteem", I said.

"You're a confused guy."

Maybe I am. I don't know. I want something... big. I won't settle for anything less, because I don't want to be seen inferior. But I don't think I'll get that something, because I think I don't deserve it, or I'm not up to that level.

I want something, but refused to ask for it, as I don't want to be seen as desperate, and also, I don't think I'll get it.

I need that something, but I don't have the capital to initiate it, and it will be embarrassing if I showed that lack of resource, even if there are possibilities that I will get it. At the same time, I don't think I will get it, because I think I'd fail miserably.

This confusion has been around for quite some time (years even). I believe I could escape this madness if I have that one thing. But I'm unlikely to have it anytime soon, or worse, ever.

Discouraged. Heartbroken. Ravenous. Infuriated.

Faith? Can I spend it?

I'm starting to hate my life again.

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