First of all, do this Johari Window of me: http://kevan.org/johari?name=Iqbal99 .
Oh, exams over (for now). So I can start on my Dan Brown (The Lost Symbol) and Mitch Albom (Have A Little Faith) now. I think it's best that I start reading them soon, so I can stop thinking about... stuff. It's already definite that I don't qualify for 'entry'. But I'm still.. grieving, and my sorrow is so great, that it disable my ability to draw a line.
My friend said, "I don't want to say this, but: I've told you so. Do you regret now?" I have no answer to that. "Everything happen for a reason, and I hope it will make you stronger, and make a better choice next time".
The problem with me is that I won't settle for anything less. Let's say the thing that I want now is a Lexus. If I don't get it now, then my expectations will be higher. I will only settle for a Ferrari next. "You need to tone down your expectations" she further advised. Fuck, took me years to find it (well, I didn't find it.. It just.. came).
My 40 minutes chat with her was not.. soothing. I was still feeling like shit. Even now. But thank you for being there and trying to give me some comfort.
It would probably be a good idea to detach myself from all forms of communication (just for a few days or a week). My cell is already switched off, and after this post, I will disconnect myself from the byte highway. "Because of *********************? The 'problem' will still be there"
I just need to be alone for awhile. It may not be a gratifying solution, but better than not trying. Right?
I wish I could take sabbatical leaves, and hibernate for a few months at home. No communications, no going out (even to the 7-Eleven), no nothing. Just lying on my bed, read some books and newspaper.
Maybe I will make it happen.
074: Detach
073: Cigarettes & Red Bull: Understanding Human, Race, and Religion. Through Mass Communications?
My brain is still pounding from whatever things that happened for the past few weeks, thus disabling my concentrations on the revisions for tomorrow's exam (or rather, later in the afternoon). If I get a penny for every confusion I've had for the past weeks, hell, I could buy an island! (Okay, that's exaggerating)
I get mixed reactions from the people I know. One was surprised (and she calls me stupid), one was baffled, but supportive.
Maybe I can attribute some psychological explanation to their reactions (why not? I'm supposed to be revising now, and probably this will help me get a better understanding of the subject). The surprised one was having this perception that I won't be foolish enough to be wanting it, and wondered what made me wants it. Her assumptions of the thing was all negative, and she was not supportive, but rather, waiting for the 'demise' of my need (or should I say want?). The supportive one was practicing cognitive dissonance. He probably thought that it was a bad idea, but, he still supported me. (Okay, I don't think this will help me for exams, :-P )
It doesn't matter what they think. I'm certain that I have found what I was looking for. Sadly, I'm also convinced that I won't get it. This is probably a once in a lifetime thing. And now, it seems that I won't be getting it no matter how hard I tried.
Damn, I hate myself now. Why must I be different?
072: My 50 Albums of the Decade
Click the above image to see all 50 albums!!!The past 10 years have been great for music fans. We are fed with sounds filled with ecstasy that kept us hooked to our discman (early 2000) and mp3 players (2004 onwards). I believe the music from the past 10 years have shaped those who are in their twenties now. From rock to metal, hip-hop to pop, you name it. You could be consciously or unconsciously influenced by them. I know they have changed me. In a big way.
When we were younger, we have been exposed to only famous artists like Michael Jackson, The Cranberries, New Kids On The Block, Bon Jovi, Backstreet Boys, etc. Too much mainstream is definately bad for our soul. We will get so used to the same thing over and over again until our system can't accept music that are different from the 'norms'.
In our teenage years, we wanted to be different, and began to look out for new music that can relate to us. We dig the underground through the Internet for something different. Something unique. Something that says "we" in their songs. And we found it. I found it. And the rest... is history.
There are hundreds of albums (or even thousands) that I have listened to. Choosing 50 albums was tough. But I pulled through. :-)
071: Butterflies (In My Stomach)
Okay, I need opinions!
Based on my rants in this blog, do you think my writings are good? Do I have a strong or moderate command of English? And most importantly, can I write?
Answer A.S.A.P.!!!
Anyway, other blogs have pictures and stuff to tell readers about their whereabouts and all. Why don't I? I keep forgetting that I have a blog to 'showcase' all. Hahahax!!! Last week trip to the arts museum was great. Now, I want to go to the National Museum (there are having some Egyptian stuff and mummies going on). Oh, and here pics from last week. More in Facebook. :-)
070: Self Censorship
I had typed out a long entry for this post, but decided to delete them all. Mainly because:
I'm confused
I'm not sure if it's me who's talking
I don't want to offend anyone
It's hypocritical (sort of)
I don't want people to start debating with me
This is a topic that have no conclusion
This is one of the four things that you cannot argue about: religion, race, music, politics
So I typed another entry. And again, I delete them all. This time round, it's because:
It's too personal (I need to let it out though)
It will strain friendship and ties will be severed
It will cause awkwardness
It may show my weakness
So... What the hell should I write on? Oh, I know! Maybe I can tell you what I ate for dinner?
Boring...
(Chicken curry with rice by the way :-P )
069: Presenting = Hell
I suck when it comes to presentations. I'm still a shy boy (wahahahahahahhax!!!). Maybe because I only know half of the people in there. I was shivering and mumbling like a train (yeah, fast mumbling.
This is what I've said, DIFFERENT from what I was PLANNING to say:
"Hey.. New artists have been covering songs from previous gene.. I mean, artists .. bands from the previous generation, as they are still relevant in this age, err... New generation... Kids in this new generation don't want to listen to the previous bands, because they think it's bullshit. For example, The Offspring... from California, covered the song Blitzkrieg Bop, originally by the Ramones. The song is about the German World War II.. in 1964 or something? (Shit, since when I failed history!) Also, heavy metal band Megadeth, covered Anarchy In The U.K. by the Sex Pistols, as they want to reach out to metal listeners... or fan or whatever, about the political situation, and still relevant (okay, it's not that relevant). Even Bob Dylan's song have been covered for the Live Nation concert, as his song is relevant to the thing.. Global climate... Global warming or something.. Now, I'm going to pass it to..."
Epic fail.
068: Confused State of a Metal/Punk Kid
"I don't know why. I think I have high ego and low self esteem", I said.
"You're a confused guy."
Maybe I am. I don't know. I want something... big. I won't settle for anything less, because I don't want to be seen inferior. But I don't think I'll get that something, because I think I don't deserve it, or I'm not up to that level.
I want something, but refused to ask for it, as I don't want to be seen as desperate, and also, I don't think I'll get it.
I need that something, but I don't have the capital to initiate it, and it will be embarrassing if I showed that lack of resource, even if there are possibilities that I will get it. At the same time, I don't think I will get it, because I think I'd fail miserably.
This confusion has been around for quite some time (years even). I believe I could escape this madness if I have that one thing. But I'm unlikely to have it anytime soon, or worse, ever.
Discouraged. Heartbroken. Ravenous. Infuriated.
Faith? Can I spend it?
I'm starting to hate my life again.
